Flying feeling 'less-than-my-usual-greatness"

Christian Fregnan

I cannot believe I have actually been away so long. In some ways it feels like it and in others it does not. So much has transpired. I was invited to be a panelist on the Black Women's Equality Day event. I presented my journey from a beneficiary of Civil Rights to a grass roots activist in a presentation called Pilgrimage to a sacred space: Commemorating Selma. And I am on tap to deliver a workshop on joy next month. And, I am going to Alaska this weekend! Then I will only have 9 states left to visit. Yes, I have been to 40 states including Hawaii. I have started back running. I am averaging 20 miles a week. My pace is slow, but I am covering the mileage. I plan to run another marathon, maybe next year. All that above was part of my best. And even I will admit that it is/was pretty awesome. 

And then...change. I understand the need for change in business or in everyday life. I understand the bottom line. I understand tightening the purse strings. I understand streamlining. I get it. I have been part of it. I have been laid off.  I have contributed to a plan to lay people off. It is not easy or fun. Many of my colleagues were laid off a couple weeks ago. We were not told the rationale. And we cannot figure it out. 

Things are different. Even before the layoffs the vibe changed. And I caught up in it. I did my best, but my best just did not feel like my best. I felt like I failed my students. I do not feel like I am on top of my game. 

Here's the thing: the game changes. Best is relative. It is different from day to day. Sometimes hour by hour. Dare I say minute by minute? The truth is that I was doing my best. It just wasn't the same best as last month or last year. And that is allowed. I am allowed to not be as great as I was. I am allowed as long as I do not intend to stay in that state of 'less-than-my-usual-greatness'. 

I do not plan to stay here. There are lessons to be learned here. I am doing my best to pay attention.