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Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Flying, a little bit

henri meilhac from unsplash
I define flying as succeeding so I am probably flying. It just does not feel like it so much today. Actually it hasn't for a few days now. I could blame it on the weather, the moon, the fact that my knee hurts, or a host of other things. I could, but I won't. I need to own this. I need to unapologetically own this. I do, only I am not exactly sure what I am owning. I guess I just simply call it 'my stuff'. Okay, I am owning my stuff.

I do not feel compelled to dive deeper so that I can provide you with an explanation of my stuff. And that alone is empowering. Over the weekend during my 200 hour yoga teacher training (I am more than halfway done, thank goodness) we did an exercise. We had to lie on our mats with our eyes closed and our partner lifted one of our legs. The partner was supposed to notice any sensations while lifting and we were supposed to explain what those sensations could be. For instance a few people said those sensations were memories, thoughts, and things like that.

When it was my turn to have my leg lifted, I would not allow my partner to lift it. I think I tried, but I would not relinquish control. The issue was that I did not feel safe. I acknowledged that. I did not feel the need to explore why I did not feel safe. I was just fine not feeling safe with my eyes closed on a mat in a vulnerable position having someone who normally does not touch me and vice versa lifting my leg. I refused to answer the probing questions about what was going on in my mind. Why? Because it wasn't anyone's business. Because that was a brief exercise conducted by untrained persons (myself included) who were not equipped to move further or deeper.

It was empowering knowing that I felt unsafe. I own that. I guess that was progress. Defending my choices is progress. Removing toxicity from my life is progress. Being unapologetic is progress. And progress is success no matter how tiny or how slow. And success is flying. So I am flying even if I do not feel the wind in my hair and I can still see the ground. I am flying even when I do not get it all done and find myself gasping for air.

Flying is not just the act of succeeding, it is the feeling. The feeling of being lifted while my feet are firmly planted on the ground. I get that. It's all part of owning my stuff.

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