Search This Blog

Friday, May 24, 2019

Flying with paradigm shifts

I have not written for a long time. I meant to write sooner, but every time I started to something came up and derailed me. There has been a lot of turmoil in my life and some of it I did not handle very well. I disassociated from a group whose mission I really believed in. It was part of my dream. And then I realized that the philosophical differences were too vast and I just did not want to try to bridge them. I had been feeling uncomfortable about this situation for many months and it kept getting worse for me. 

I will admit that I did not reach out to communicate my unease. At some point, I just stopped caring. And I unceremoniously vanished. I broke up with them via text which is exactly what happened to me in a personal situation and I swore I would never do that to anyone. I guess I lied. Or maybe I just figured out that the amount of effort you put into ending something exemplifies the amount of value you have in the relationship. I was not the bigger person and it felt just fine. I do not feel guilty and maybe I should. Not for what I felt, but for how I reacted. No matter, it is done and as I said I feel great. Now I can move on to other things without that baggage. I wish them well. I really do. 

Then I ran a horrible half marathon. Yes, I know that some runs are just not as awesome as others, but this one really sucked. My right knee hurt so bad that I walked the last three miles. I did not even try to run across the finish line. And I cried. There was another woman with me in a similar situation. At least she had friends waiting for her at the end. There was no one waiting for me. My running career crashed and burned and I got in my car and cried all the way home and into the night. 

Yes, there are worse things. Yes, there are people who would trade places with me. Well, guess what? They can't and at the end of the day I still have my sh** and those better and worse people still have theirs. 

Then by some collaboration of the universe, I met someone. It is new and I am not defining it as a thing yet. But for the first time in a long time, I am inspired. I am learning so much about myself through his eyes. Very cool for me since this rarely happens. He is not in complete awe of me. He may not be in awe of me at all and that is just fine. Because falling off of someone's imaginary pedestal hurts like hell, especially when you did not put yourself up there and have no earthly idea just how high it is. Just let me be me without artificial inflation, thank you very much. And that is all that I will say about that. It isn't a thing until it is if it ever is. And surprisingly I am okay with that. I am in this with my brain fully functioning and hope for more good things to come. I do not need someone on a white horse to save me. I saved myself a long time ago, but it is great to have someone make that makes me laugh. 

1 comment:

Dolores said...

Great to see you flying again. 😊