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Sunday, August 3, 2008

Flying with a smaller ego

Today at my place of worship,
Unity Church of Charleston, SC
our wonderful spiritual leader Rev. Ed Kosak spoke about our Divinity and about not becoming identified with our "roles" in life too closely, because they are not who we are.
At one time or another, many of us have been so impressed with ourselves because of a "role" we play in this life.
"I am a teacher."
"I am a Mother."
"I am the President."
"I am the spouse of an important person."
When we say the powerful words, "I AM," we announce to the world that, this tiny thing is who we are...
Friends, we are so much, much more than these small roles we have assigned ourselves in life.
We are part of the Infinite Universal Source.
Pastor Ed wove a wonderful lesson about our humanity and our Divinity...
I am inspired.
We are the cells, the atoms, the awesome energy that makes up the very Universe that our bodies live in.....
This knowledge could certainly give one a big ego...
Often I have lived in my big ego....
I am a mother, a daughter, an ex-wife, a good friend, and artist, a lover, a sister.
And at one time or another all these roles I have assigned myself have puffed me up with pride.
Or it could have, as it did me today, deflated me bringing me to my knees in respect and humility.
My children grew up, one of my beloved parents has made his transition, I no longer have a husband, sometimes I am a bad friend, sometimes I produce crummy art that does not sell,
my lover is far away and I do not call my siblings often enough...
Today as I sat in Unity listening to Pastor Ed's message I realized that I am no greater or lesser than any other being in the Universe.
Then, I looked down at the dress I was wearing.
It is my favorite dress, and it caused me to think about a journey my ego and I went on together.
On my 40th birthday, my husband, commissioned my beloved Spirit Mother Elayna Shakur to paint my portrait.

I hated this idea at the time. I was heavier than I had ever been and I was terribly unhappy, and my ego was having a field day blaming everyone but me for what was wrong.
Elayna set about portrait therapy with me. We had 6 or 7 sittings and 2/3s of the way thru each session, Elayna would stop painting, make me come sit in front of the painting and just talk about what I saw on the canvas.
The first sitting was very ego boosting. I could see on the canvas, "ME" but I also saw that my eyes, my eyes were not "mine" at all but the eyes of my beautiful mother, and that roundness in the apples of my cheeks was that of my beloved grandmother Willie V. White.
That was good. to look like 2 women I love and admire and think beautiful, this is a good thing....
Well the next sitting, Elayna repeated the process and there on the canvas was my birth father. (We are estranged.) I hated this and demanded that she fix it. I do not look like that.
I was adamant about it.
She continued to paint as she tried to talk me down, I did not want to deal with my feelings, so I promptly fell asleep. (I call this "ego-protecting" move "therapeutic narcolepsy")
When my ego was about to get bruised or threatened I just passed out.
Thru 4 or 5 more sittings Elayna showed the perseverance of a Saint.
I was difficult, I cried a lot and my ego acted like a 6 year old thru a lot of the process.
On the day I came to pick up the portrait, I looked at it, really looked at it with my heart, I realized, that this beautiful portrait looked just like me and all those that had come before me were in me, were a part of me and all of them helped to make me who I am.
My ego got a great lesson in humility that day.
Today in church as Pastor Ed reminded us again in his loving gentle way we are not our egos, just as we are not our thoughts.
We have thoughts, but we are not them.. I have dresses, and just as I am not my dress I am not my thoughts. I am part of the collective consciousness of the Universe and so are you.

We are autonomous and we are part of the collective.

We can encourage each other by reminding each other that as spiritual beings,
that we never get it done, so we never get it wrong...

We have an infinite amount of time to recreate ourselves and to surrender our egos, and our roles.
Great lesson today Pastor ED!

Oh and the portrait?
When I moved into my new house with my awesome roommate Debbie, Elayna came to help us decorate and she insisted I have the picture of me over my bed. There it hangs even now.

Flying higher today, with a smaller ego,
Aim High,


doretha said...

I have seen the portrait and it is beautiful, just like you. It is wonderful that you can see all the people who helped form you in the portrait. It proves that you did not get here alone.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this blessed experience and thoughts on our being more than the roles we fill at different times. We are children of God and I imagine you found a bit of His likeness in your portrait as well.

Much love and peace,