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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Flying by letting go

I was sadly disappointed by two people this month. A sister girlfriend told me that disappointment comes from having unrealistic expectations. I thought about that. I am not so sure my expectations were unrealistic. I am also sure that I articulated my desires succinctly. Maybe I did not really hear or really listen to their responses completely. Whatever happened, I got my feelings hurt. Partly because I rarely ask for help and partly, I don't know. It just hurt.

I do not think that those two people held any malice towards me. What happened just happened. Okay, it did not just happen, but now I am left will stuff that I do not know what to do with. Where do I put all of the hurt, anger, and other stuff that came with the disappointment? Can I pretend that the events never happened? No, I cannot. I tried.

When one of the people asked me if I was mad, I quickly replied that I was not. That was not entirely a lie. I was not angry and I would have let it go, but something made me confess. So I told her exactly how I felt. She responded with explanations, but by then I was desperately trying to untell her what I had told her. In case you want to try that, don't. You cannot unspeak words, no matter how hard you try. And these words were written in an email.

So, now the air is clear between us. I should feel better, but I don't. Maybe the air is not clear. Maybe it is just a bit more muddled with the stuff that I do not know what to do with. I have no place to put it. If I take it outside of my head will it just fly away? Or will I pull it back in to fill the void? Surely I have better things to do, don't I? It does not always seem that way. Some days I can find lots of time to harbor stuff.

I wrote her that it was time for me to let go. That I had held on to it much too long. Perhaps I should have written that to myself, because since then I keep reliving, remembering, and possibly reinventing the event. It is past time for me to let it go. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong or wronged. I need to make peace within myself. I need to get rid of the stuff.

This is the very first quote I ever put on my bathroom mirror. I put it there for a completely different situation, but it seems to fit this one nicely.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." Maya Angelou

I need to stop reducing myself. I need to stop reliving, remembering, and possibly reinventing the event. I need to get rid of all that stuff from BOTH situations. I need to take a deep breath, let go, and fly.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you were disappointed. Please try to lay it down and forgive me.
I read something that was described as an Arabian Proverb many years ago and it clings to my heart in situations like this. Remember that I love you as you read it.

A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of ones heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what's worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.

doretha said...

Thank you for your kind words. I will put them on my bathroom mirror. I am not sure there is anything to forgive. I am not angry. You are right, I do need to lay it down. I am trying. I am just at the end of all I know right now, so much just not working out right. Just needed something that I could count on, something not to worry about. I do not like asking for help. I will fix this so that I can do it myself always. I think that is the best way. I will be fine. I will work it out.