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Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Flying trying not to be mean

I did not want to be mean. I am usually not mean. But I did not know what else to do. And I feel guilty about it in more ways than one. I tired. I honestly tried to handle it differently. I tried reason, logic, and even compassion. None of it worked. I prayed for resolution and thought I found it when the tide turned right back to where I was desperately trying not to go.

Mayur Gala
I wanted to be kind. No, I needed to be kind. I nneded to be kind because karma has a funny way of coming back with things that are not pleasant. I needed to be kind because if the situation were reversed that is exactly how I would want to be treated. Plus it was the right thing to do.

I tried. I tried being quiet, I tried avoidance, and I tried agreeing until I agreed to something that made me so uncomfortable that I wanted to scream. And then I wished I had lied. If I had lied in the beginning we would not be where we are right now and being kind would not have been necessary because the attachment would have never begun. And now I realize much too late that starting any type of relationship with the wish to lie is never a good thing. Never a good thing. I knew better.

So this is my fault. I should have been stronger. I would have been stronger had I really been paying attention to the advancements. And when I noticed my words fell on deaf ears and a heart full of promise and too much hope. Sadly I realized that I had been that person with a different person not so long ago. So I tried to be kind.

In the end my actions undid my gentle tones. My actions looked quite opportunistic and I almost believed the ugly words thrown at me in anger. Almost. But still...I did not want to be mean. I did not want to believe that kindness can actually looks like acceptance in someone else's eyes. I do know that kindness can actually feel like the answer to a prayer if you do not look too deep.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. And I did not. Lesson learned. Lesson learned. Lesson learned. Three times makes it so.

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