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Friday, May 22, 2009

Flying with lemons

Today I am at the place, AGAIN where life keeps handing me lemons and I already have enough lemonade, lemon meringue pies (which I hate), lemon tarts, lemon cookies, lemon scented perfume, and lemon candy to last me for the rest of my life. Have you ever been there? Where you cannot tell the difference between up, down, backwards, forwards, and sideways? Okay, maybe not up, but everything else. When the blessings are not apparent and you can't see anyway because of the tears?

I keep going over and over and over in my head trying to understand why I did not see this THING coming and why I was powerless to stop it, control it, avoid it, and now just get over it. Yeah, I know, it is a moot point. But for some reason it is a moot point that I cannot seem to let go of. I asked God what it was that I am doing that I need to stop or what is it that I need to do that I am not doing. At this stage I will do almost anything to get out of this place. I keep considering my options and there is really only one, "keep on keeping on". I have no choice. I do not know how to do anything else and I can do that blindly.

Hanging in my bathroom (not on my mirror) is a tiny plaque with a quote by Maya Angelou saying “I can be changed by what happens to me. but I refuse to be reduced by it.” Right here and right now I am have been reduced. Reduced so much that I am not sure what to pray for, what to hope for, or what to do next. So I will just pray and I am sure God will not be mad when no words come out and the only sounds I make are the harmony between my tears and my sorrow. No, He won't mind.

One day, hopefully soon all this will just be a painful memory. Or at least I will be on the other side of it. Some day, one day, just not today.