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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Flying at the crossroads

Monday morning I saw (sort of) my instructor's comments on my paper. I say sort of because it was so full of red that I immediately closed the document. My sister warned me not to read it because she was only on page 18 and there were many, many corrections. She did say that my instructor said something positive at the end of page 18. There are over 90 pages. My instructor informed me that she did not read past page 35.

I played hooky and did not go to water aerobics. I just did not want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I try to keep my bad attitudes away from people. This is mainly for my protection. I cannot stand it when people say "Don't worry, you will figure it out. You always do". As if my feelings have no value. As if a high achiever is not allowed to have moments (or longer) of despair. My life is not always alright. Yes, I am blessed. I have been told that there are at least a million women who would want my life. I cannot validate that since I am not sure I know a million women, but I understand and appreciate the sentiment. I do know that I am blessed. That knowledge, however, does not always stop the madness.

Right now, I am at a crossroads. I have a conference with my instructor on Thursday. Hopefully I will gain some valuable insights that will allow me to get past this stage and move further towards getting this degree. But what if I don't? At what point is it okay for me to say that I have reached my level of competency and just let the dream go? Is it failure if I change mind? At what point is falling off the horse the same thing as banging my head against the wall?

I did not go directly home after work. That was the plan, but I found myself walking barefoot on the beach. Yes, it was a mite chilly (57 degrees and windy). The sand was hard and my feet hurt, but I needed to be there. I was rewarded by seeing at least 20 dolphins at sunset. It was absolutely beautiful. And yet, I could not turn my head off. So I continued to walk silently screaming at God, crying, praying, and screaming again for peace, understanding, wisdom, and a good paper. It is a wonder I even saw the dolphins. But somehow between my temper tantrums I did. And for that I am grateful.

So all of that stuff I said about appreciating and accepting negative feedback just went over my head. I will read the paper and make a gallant attempt to be brave on Thursday at 10am. I hope so, anyway.